THE NON WRITER

Have you heard of the little boy trying to grab the moon? The mother always encourages him ,no ? But it’s a possibility that he may jump to his maximum ,since he sincerely believes it ,that he may fall and get hurt is the flip side .But we genuinely smile if he takes off ,no?
The point is I am in the poor boy’s place, and I also like to give it a go ,wonder what? The ambulimama in my case is a story, no, a series of chapters, call it anything. The question is whether I can jump at all and unlike the kid , I know where the ambulimama really is. For the past few days I am getting an outline in space , as vague as vagueness could be ,nothing more ,nothing less .But the characters are peeping in and out without any shapes and with no story to tell., a story with characters having no story ,but that’s not possible .But they are forcing me to make a story out of no where. Why are the kitchans and chuppu mammies pestering me ,what! , I have even started naming them and already I have guessed their languages ,what a joke. How can they have so much faith in me ,may be because no body in real life have faith in me or my capacity to give life to these unheard of fellow beings. How can I attempt a totally fictitious story when I cannot even think of a story by me about myself , which is a fact . But can it be called a story when it is real and so should be boring like an art movie ,unless laced with or adorned with polished lies or drama with histrionics ,a few dream song sequences and a climax fight .But for that you need innovation ,little bits of fantasy and lots of imagination which I can only dream off , being a virgoan.
Suppose it’s my own story , where to begin from the beginning?. My history , for all practical purposes should have started a long way back , to be precise, when the big bang banged and parts of me formed from the genes as the pundits call or as atman as per the seers. But I am no historian nor a geologist or a palaentologist . So the problem starts ,no , sucks and where to place the kitchans and chuppus in the time scale. Oh man ,this is not my cup of tea . That means I have to retire even before I start to work. But that’s the only way out and leave the kitchans and chuppus to attack a worthier soul , to ponder..

THE CURSE

Hey it’s already 9 pm and time to find a corner for sleep .Not that I am in the middle of Sahara , but safely in my inbox in my I’st floor bedroom cum smoking abode ,trying to visualize the chembaipuri street view from the window. I don’t know why I have developed this habit of staring nowhere from the right side window [a conditioned reflex?]. The street as usual is terribly empty except for the solitary light shadows crisscrossing the narrow road .Not even Sreevalsan’s dog dare to bark , afraid of the fierce silence and desolateness .But yet my eyes zoom ,am I expecting any late visitors? It is ideal time for my thoughts to wage a war, scattering the supposed tranquility .Thoughts shoot in all directions ignoring me totally , leaving me helpless. I have to search for the word ' pattayam' in google,no I wanted to look in for some thing else too , which is at the tip of my tongue ,what’s that - I have to search for the word ‘ sarcoidosis’ which is ravaging Kalliana raman’s lung tissue . .Have yet to apply for the passport ,but then I have to apply for a new ration card to prove my lost permanent address .Dr.V was upset as he requested for my appointment ,tomorrow and I postponed it for no reason other than I detest his presence ,always sends negative vibes all around me ,don’t know why .Should I take up the new job offer ?.The cigarette burns my fingers. I have been smoking my lungs out , not conscious of it for last 5 minutes ,what a waste of money and smoke .This mental exercise is simply crushing me rather pricking me like pins all over. Am I thinking or is that thoughts that think about me ,what’s the source .I am not generating it, or is it that I am the product of them .May be my synapses are releasing the waste to my processor, or am I a medium of all the thoughts floating in the dead space all around. The prisoner within me is wrecking havoc and dragging me to the abyss through his cursing thoughts. Where to escape from him? Shall I turn around and face him squarely , meeting his red staring eyes?

THE OMNIPOTENT 2

To come back to my personal god ,I don’t remember when I started the bad habit .May be my immediate relatives and those whom I followed blindly might have ,no ,I am definite about who glorified him when I was 3 or 4 or may be still earlier .The innocent curious mind was injected with the super man theory ,the carrot and stick policy of one super cop who rewarded the faithful and destroyed the evil or the non believer .The fear factor was stressed more ‘ ummachi kanna kuthiduvar.’. Then they brought to the young mind the theory of good and the bad ,the society’s trump card and how god played the savior .The god needed the society’s endorsement and vice-versa ,Both complemented each other for sheer survival .Thus the brain washing was complete .The stories and myths followed and not to lag behind was the rituals ,the music ,the sentiments ,the meek surrender ,and then the prophets and sages took over from the grand parents and the temples packaged the product depending on the consumers and the word god became a conditioned reflex that no man could dissociate easily. IT became a necessary evil , one could neither spit or swallow.
So after becoming a whole sale believer in my childhood ,I rebelled in my youth which was a fad in those days ,I blasphemed ,but the word existed and shook its ugly head once in a while during exams or when ever I committed evil in tons .I couldn’t delete it ,I could only try to fight IT or resist , I mean I had to acknowledge its control over me .I stayed away from it for a few years until the next great leveler in the game of life knocked me over ,the institution called marriage the one man- one woman and their children theory . Society is no fool. The hard grind followed. And the god began playing hide and seek in my life .Though I had no time for him , he never relented and troubled me when my kids threatened me with their medical problems and as usual the medical practitioners wilted under uncertainty and clutched at the last straw .He became the god of uncertainty and crisis .He competed with the devil for the weak minded .When ever I tried to run away from reality the bar and temple enticed me and some times god won minor battles , leaving the other to win the war. Later , much later , when I revolted against the bar ,I had to make an alliance with him for my survival ,and indeed I survived and god took the honors , though I fought the war and carried the scars.
It was after my retirement that I started studying his real nature through the scriptures , and the philosophy of a nice and mature god appealed to me as a nice concept or bhang to the vast community with its anxieties and instant cure for its insecurities. But soon serious doubts crept , eroding the invincibility of the great man and the cracks widened .shaking the very foundations .Questions like , who created god, whether he created religions or whether religions created him , began haunting me. If god existed with its so called might he would have had no need for religions and would not have made it happen , since the religions only tried to destroy him or his credibility for its survival .Conversely if god didn’t exist , then the religion was his creator .Since human beings didn’t know how to live by themselves , they always needed a ruler ,and god and the king took over .The myth continues in different terms , and the conditioning for the same began at his birth and buried him to his grave.
As the foundations trembled , the faith in everything crumbled and I stood naked with nothing to hold on .Gone was the concept of family ,the society , the principles and the commandments ,the good and the bad ,truth and virtue , the attachments and the detachments , the whole moral hoopla .The fact was terrifying and the survival instinct in me to go for a truce , a sort of compromise with this non existent Frank Einstein.
O.k , I will agree to the fact that he never existed ,but yet it cannot be wiped out completely from the system . Let me learn to live with the non=existent .Let me be a theistic atheist ,I mean I will follow the general rules of the game but will resist the cruel mythical master , but will row the boat with the other slaves ,since I don’t have the strength to revolt but unable to bow to his dictates as well ,in short the failed revolt is still on .I can hear the temple bells and it’s time to pray . The idol still fascinates me . Leave me alone in my hell .

THE OMNIPOTENT 1

Everybody wants to be independent, no? I too am not an exception. Though total independence is only a mirage I can opt for the next best , I mean , self sufficiency, which is attainable depending on your needs.so it is for this goal that I sacrificed most of my time and energy in the last three decades and now only in my twilight years can I claim to have reached that goal , considering my limited needs of food,shelter,transportation and my hobbies. Now I can aspire for greater heights in my quest for ultimate independence. but the question is independence from what or whom? you can try to be independent from your relatives , friends , society , even from your wife but ultimately can you be independent from yourself? By yourself can mean your body , mind and ego. I mean whether there is an ‘I’ apart from the above mentioned .Highly improbable. Another thing which hinders me from this so called independence is my personal god to whom I am so much dependent to the extent that it can be termed an addiction or a habituation which ever way you may put it.Then you may ask me whether you believe that god exists and my immediate reply will be a strong no with a capital N.THEN WHY THIS HIPPOCRISY YOU MAY DOUBT. But I don’t have any doubt to say that I am saying the truth and nothing but the truth. I strongly believe that god doesn’t exist, but still I believe in god. Now I hope you have got my point. Belief in god doesn’t mean god has to exist,it is only a belief in a non- existent thing and that’s called faith and when there are many fools grouped together in a customized faith you can even call it a religion.