THE OMNIPOTENT 2

To come back to my personal god ,I don’t remember when I started the bad habit .May be my immediate relatives and those whom I followed blindly might have ,no ,I am definite about who glorified him when I was 3 or 4 or may be still earlier .The innocent curious mind was injected with the super man theory ,the carrot and stick policy of one super cop who rewarded the faithful and destroyed the evil or the non believer .The fear factor was stressed more ‘ ummachi kanna kuthiduvar.’. Then they brought to the young mind the theory of good and the bad ,the society’s trump card and how god played the savior .The god needed the society’s endorsement and vice-versa ,Both complemented each other for sheer survival .Thus the brain washing was complete .The stories and myths followed and not to lag behind was the rituals ,the music ,the sentiments ,the meek surrender ,and then the prophets and sages took over from the grand parents and the temples packaged the product depending on the consumers and the word god became a conditioned reflex that no man could dissociate easily. IT became a necessary evil , one could neither spit or swallow.
So after becoming a whole sale believer in my childhood ,I rebelled in my youth which was a fad in those days ,I blasphemed ,but the word existed and shook its ugly head once in a while during exams or when ever I committed evil in tons .I couldn’t delete it ,I could only try to fight IT or resist , I mean I had to acknowledge its control over me .I stayed away from it for a few years until the next great leveler in the game of life knocked me over ,the institution called marriage the one man- one woman and their children theory . Society is no fool. The hard grind followed. And the god began playing hide and seek in my life .Though I had no time for him , he never relented and troubled me when my kids threatened me with their medical problems and as usual the medical practitioners wilted under uncertainty and clutched at the last straw .He became the god of uncertainty and crisis .He competed with the devil for the weak minded .When ever I tried to run away from reality the bar and temple enticed me and some times god won minor battles , leaving the other to win the war. Later , much later , when I revolted against the bar ,I had to make an alliance with him for my survival ,and indeed I survived and god took the honors , though I fought the war and carried the scars.
It was after my retirement that I started studying his real nature through the scriptures , and the philosophy of a nice and mature god appealed to me as a nice concept or bhang to the vast community with its anxieties and instant cure for its insecurities. But soon serious doubts crept , eroding the invincibility of the great man and the cracks widened .shaking the very foundations .Questions like , who created god, whether he created religions or whether religions created him , began haunting me. If god existed with its so called might he would have had no need for religions and would not have made it happen , since the religions only tried to destroy him or his credibility for its survival .Conversely if god didn’t exist , then the religion was his creator .Since human beings didn’t know how to live by themselves , they always needed a ruler ,and god and the king took over .The myth continues in different terms , and the conditioning for the same began at his birth and buried him to his grave.
As the foundations trembled , the faith in everything crumbled and I stood naked with nothing to hold on .Gone was the concept of family ,the society , the principles and the commandments ,the good and the bad ,truth and virtue , the attachments and the detachments , the whole moral hoopla .The fact was terrifying and the survival instinct in me to go for a truce , a sort of compromise with this non existent Frank Einstein.
O.k , I will agree to the fact that he never existed ,but yet it cannot be wiped out completely from the system . Let me learn to live with the non=existent .Let me be a theistic atheist ,I mean I will follow the general rules of the game but will resist the cruel mythical master , but will row the boat with the other slaves ,since I don’t have the strength to revolt but unable to bow to his dictates as well ,in short the failed revolt is still on .I can hear the temple bells and it’s time to pray . The idol still fascinates me . Leave me alone in my hell .