THE CURSE

Hey it’s already 9 pm and time to find a corner for sleep .Not that I am in the middle of Sahara , but safely in my inbox in my I’st floor bedroom cum smoking abode ,trying to visualize the chembaipuri street view from the window. I don’t know why I have developed this habit of staring nowhere from the right side window [a conditioned reflex?]. The street as usual is terribly empty except for the solitary light shadows crisscrossing the narrow road .Not even Sreevalsan’s dog dare to bark , afraid of the fierce silence and desolateness .But yet my eyes zoom ,am I expecting any late visitors? It is ideal time for my thoughts to wage a war, scattering the supposed tranquility .Thoughts shoot in all directions ignoring me totally , leaving me helpless. I have to search for the word ' pattayam' in google,no I wanted to look in for some thing else too , which is at the tip of my tongue ,what’s that - I have to search for the word ‘ sarcoidosis’ which is ravaging Kalliana raman’s lung tissue . .Have yet to apply for the passport ,but then I have to apply for a new ration card to prove my lost permanent address .Dr.V was upset as he requested for my appointment ,tomorrow and I postponed it for no reason other than I detest his presence ,always sends negative vibes all around me ,don’t know why .Should I take up the new job offer ?.The cigarette burns my fingers. I have been smoking my lungs out , not conscious of it for last 5 minutes ,what a waste of money and smoke .This mental exercise is simply crushing me rather pricking me like pins all over. Am I thinking or is that thoughts that think about me ,what’s the source .I am not generating it, or is it that I am the product of them .May be my synapses are releasing the waste to my processor, or am I a medium of all the thoughts floating in the dead space all around. The prisoner within me is wrecking havoc and dragging me to the abyss through his cursing thoughts. Where to escape from him? Shall I turn around and face him squarely , meeting his red staring eyes?