THE RANCOUR

TUESDAY 20TH JANUARY 2009


The birth of my little diary .Page 1 to be exact . The funny thing is that ,nothing much or untoward has happened today. The sun had appeared in the very same East.The fog is getting thinner day by day,the milk man is late as usual at 8.30 am,I am awake at 9 sharp,with the usual contemptuous smile from my would be, no ,has been,no,ought to be .I attend the hospital work by sharp 10.30. This year my working days have been cut to 3 days a week,courtesy recession.It seems the hospital cannot afford me.The patients are too few and turning aggressive .Got to stop all practice, I,decide,may be nother 2 or 3 yrs at the most.. After my retirement the nights are turning longer and days shortened by more than 40%, is it due to the age?. Or is it because I am afraid of Death stealing me in my sleep ?,highly unlikely ,.may be, I don’t want to wait for my sleep, being afraid of so many silly thoughts grinding me to some unseen TERROR,which I can never explain to you,but yet it persists 24 hrs a day 7*24*12.like a shadow,a halo.or a shield.It’s colourlessly black , visibly silent and smells of aseptic decay embracing me lightly tight,allowing me to breath in and out day and night,but I dare not SLEEP, nor fully AWAKE to face IT or LIVE IT. Yet I will fight IT like the unknown TERRORIST in MUMBAI or those masked CLERKS in the health dept delaying my pension benefits,or the FIIS sucking my pockets the dumb POLITICIANS begging at Washington corridors or the BEARDED ones seeking my soul or the PATIENTS waiting to sue me,or all fused in to one constantly shifting forms of the desert sands of the ever smiling,ever changing and yet the ever same throttling so called TERROR. Oh God ! should I corrupt you with my soul or alms or ultimate surrendering like a trembling weakling to cure me from this curse or enabling me to escape from his clutches .No-- every thing is a mirage and only drugged sleep can keep him at bay.But the simpler way is to engage my wife in a silent fight,the Terror being replaced by a Rancour,more endurable and more healthy I mean mentally .