THE RAVINGS CONTINUE

22nd jan 2009


Mahathaaya randaam dhivasam.The opening show has been a disaster,so the box office say .Don’t worry,it will pick up,my friends console. 'Do your duty not expecting any rewards ' ,my second son always soothens me when he has done badly in his exams.or when he sends me missed calls for dollars. Investigators say Sathyam has boosted its figures of employees by 10000. I wonder if the buildings they show in the channels of the sathyam head quarters are only the sets erected by the bollywood choreographers .Another 200 shares down the drain.Anyone farting in the dalal street is like thunder drowning my ears and leaves me shivering..

Last evening visited my friend /doctor / shrink, after a long time to boost my sagging heart or spirits and he began a ghastly show of the compliments received from the medical representatives. ‘,hari ‘ did I show u this nokia9009 set from the Ranbaxy’s, I think I had shown u this cannon camera, courtesy ,the Reddy’s.Off he took me by the collars for a detour showing his famous free collections by most of the reps,my temper was shooting up like the erratic brahmos.[since these reps never even spit in my compound] and when his son turned up to say hello,I lost my senses and whispered to my friend “which company sponsored him?’

Can u believe me, Obama called me last night and after his petty talks asked whether my retirement funds have come through,it seems the bank of America is short. When I smiled, he joked, I just want u to remember this black face,since I don’t know when Gorden will be calling u regarding the RBS melt down..

I am indeed a blessed man since I could recently enjoy 2 books ,The Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead by Ayn rand, I don’t know how I missed these classics,may be there are any number of such wonderful works yet to be read and may be I can survive for the rest of the term on THEM for sure .

THE RANCOUR

TUESDAY 20TH JANUARY 2009


The birth of my little diary .Page 1 to be exact . The funny thing is that ,nothing much or untoward has happened today. The sun had appeared in the very same East.The fog is getting thinner day by day,the milk man is late as usual at 8.30 am,I am awake at 9 sharp,with the usual contemptuous smile from my would be, no ,has been,no,ought to be .I attend the hospital work by sharp 10.30. This year my working days have been cut to 3 days a week,courtesy recession.It seems the hospital cannot afford me.The patients are too few and turning aggressive .Got to stop all practice, I,decide,may be nother 2 or 3 yrs at the most.. After my retirement the nights are turning longer and days shortened by more than 40%, is it due to the age?. Or is it because I am afraid of Death stealing me in my sleep ?,highly unlikely ,.may be, I don’t want to wait for my sleep, being afraid of so many silly thoughts grinding me to some unseen TERROR,which I can never explain to you,but yet it persists 24 hrs a day 7*24*12.like a shadow,a halo.or a shield.It’s colourlessly black , visibly silent and smells of aseptic decay embracing me lightly tight,allowing me to breath in and out day and night,but I dare not SLEEP, nor fully AWAKE to face IT or LIVE IT. Yet I will fight IT like the unknown TERRORIST in MUMBAI or those masked CLERKS in the health dept delaying my pension benefits,or the FIIS sucking my pockets the dumb POLITICIANS begging at Washington corridors or the BEARDED ones seeking my soul or the PATIENTS waiting to sue me,or all fused in to one constantly shifting forms of the desert sands of the ever smiling,ever changing and yet the ever same throttling so called TERROR. Oh God ! should I corrupt you with my soul or alms or ultimate surrendering like a trembling weakling to cure me from this curse or enabling me to escape from his clutches .No-- every thing is a mirage and only drugged sleep can keep him at bay.But the simpler way is to engage my wife in a silent fight,the Terror being replaced by a Rancour,more endurable and more healthy I mean mentally .

THE DIARY

Its nearly a dreadful year of my abstinence from blogs and what a year it turned out for me.The year opened its account with my father’s exiting the stage ,soon followed by the diving markets wiping out more than 50% off my kitty,and still the onslaught continues with out any respite and when ever I try to steady the Nifty with my retirement funds the F I Is start selling.In short I am short of funds and the resultant withdrawal affected my English and I couldn’t blog.Come new year I thought I will make some fresh attempts,but nothing comes out ,I am totally empty and disgusted.So I have dropped all ideas to project my depressed self in Microsoft word.Now in my sullen mood I think I ought to write my diary atleast.But the concept of diary is in its privacy -- a sort of mental intercourse, no--- more like a masturbation.But the problem is, it is not for the exhibitionist like me,I am so vane u see.So it shall be a public diary where anybody or everybody can spit and enjoy at my expense I don’t give a damn,I can endure severely and even enjoy being humiliated.,no problem there.So why not give it a try?So now I shall ask my bank manager for a diary and start the earliest,the tamil new year [ Pongal according to karunanidhi,his greatest contribution to the pandees]. But how to make it public?,stop,babbling or blogging and start diarrying through the net,---can be leaked through your blog site--- no body can sue you for public lying or sophisticated truths resembling nasty lies or vice versa,only basic understanding being no facts,no news or scandals only verbal assassinations,suicidal criticisms.

Long time no,see! Its nearly a year since I am forced to type, searching for each letter in this damned computer. No ,nobody asked me to perform again,they know I am beyond that.Now I can see your nasty smile,.i don’t want your pity nor your tolerance but contempt,that I can endure.So nother year wasted in the name of reactive depression to what? Yet another excuse.[when will you stop manufacturing these wild excuses one after another, day after day ,year after year,whom are you cheating,yourself?

The first possible excuse can be the withdrawal of support from my father since he no longer existed, no ! is it too feeble ? .o.k,let me have a better one, the melting of the markets making my reserves weaker by say 50%,.or will you accept the fact of recession gnawing in to my patients.So all considered you will grant me the benefit of a little depression, o.k? No ! I am not bringing the issue of the terrorist attacks,in fact it proved my sadistic preferences,nothing more. I was more bothered about the loss of form of my yester year hero Rahul the Dravidian forcing me to watch him in club matches.See it is no wonder, in 2008 even the Aussies were flogged by any dick and harry [Dharma adi].

The only positive factor that precipitated the so called depression was another attempt at kicking off the habit of smoking and I can proudly claim to be an unsmoker approaching the 150^th day very shortly.Looking back my life has been a series of attempts at loosing these so called conditioned reflexes one after nother.First it was the sura soon followed by drugs ,followed by relapses and daring again to come out alive from the deadly combinanation since 92.But the most torturing was the unsmoking attempt.The loss of cigarettes meant real hunger forcing me to over eat resulting in heavy diabetes and dyslipidemias and now my wife is insisting me to stop all solid feeds and has threatened to stop my quota of coffee once for all.She is implementing the same by progressively reducing the cup size and now it has reached the teaspoon level. So the only habit left is breathing and living,no!,better term is sustenance of life------ for what I ASK ?

IS IT WORTH IT ?