SORRY

Sorry Athimber [that’s how I address my father] ,
This one I have tried to write for You since a long time but never had the guts to attempt. O.k I have failed You most of the time, but the one thing I regret a lot ,was my inability to communicate with You ,except for the last 5 years when You tried to come open with me, which I cherish a lot. Most of our relationship has been a hide and seek game, You playing the disciplinarian and me a pseudo rebel, resisting You tooth and nail, though we both knew the underlying current of love, which we tried to mask. But from your life I learnt a lot unknowingly, to stay anchored to the ground, to struggle and save by curtailing expenses, to recognise the true value of Re 1, never to bother about what society may think of your actions or attitudes, not to compromise on certain basic principles and to say NO openly even to your close ones, when it is easier to say yes and then scoot.
The communication gap between us started to eat me, only when I had reached my fifties and then , one elderly engineer from our colony had a talk with me regarding problems he faced in his senility and the attitude of his children. He told me point blank ‘man! You can shout at your father or yell at him, but never IGNORE him, that will be the worst punishment you can inflict on him in his old age. He needs to hear your voice , at least to reassure himself that you are there for his mental support .Doctor!, please take up the phone and say hello, nothing more’, he asserted. I just prayed for the earth to cave in front of me and take me to its depths, I was crestfallen. After 2 days I took up the phone and soothed hello. After 3 or 4 calls I noted the change, You had started talking to me, taking me to Your confidence. The rest never needed any effort and my guilt was dissolving rapidly. It was then I understood why You kept calling me to come for avani avittom or deepavali, when I know You gave a hoot to these days, You in fact craved for my presence near You when everybody celebrated . I cursed that engineer for not accusing me at least 10 years back, since I could have had 10 more QUALITY years with You.. In those 5 years You confided Your greatest struggles, Your failures and disappointments .But You also left me with so many unanswered questions. You never asked me for anything till Your death, but that was Your nature ‘being independent’ .But my regret was not, for taking You to any trips or cinemas or hotels, since You wouldn’t have been at ease, I know ,but not for giving You my quality TIME, for which I cannot forgive myself.