IN LOVING MEMORY OF

Oh dear!
That doesn’t sound nice or even closer to what or how to call you.Tell me oh my sleeping beauty how can I address you? What a pity,what an unpardonable shame,A father asking his unborn or still born or a transiently born and lost for ever DAUGHTER,how to call her since he never had a chance to name her, neither had he the time to see her beautiful,snow white face lightened up by that divine all embracing smile,long enough to remember for the rest of his life.What sin has he done to warrant such a punishment?But why why why had that angel been snatched away from his hands even before he could smile back at her with love .Had he kissed her chubby cheeks? ,he never remembered .Did I love her?,he never knew. But I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE –He had willed or rather pleaded or prayed with all known and unknown Gods for her DEATH. Yes I am forced to confess that fact and reiterate that he had’nt done that for a fleeting second but for 24 hours continuously he had tried his level best to convince all the Deities to take her back to the paradise where she ought to live or rule and as if in a miracle his prayers were heard and the boon was granted .Why did he commit this murder of a charming one week wonder that great gift of God he will rew till date exactly 23 yrs back.
How much he yearned to hold her in his lap tickling her hair and lullabying her to sleep and just watching her in her delightful sleep with that enchanting universal smile playing hide and seek in that captivating face of hers .How he wanted to dress her up in tiny little frocks and tie those curly pitch black luxuriant hair.How can my daughter be so beautiful .Yes I would have taught her dancing and inturn would be dancing to her commands.He would have enjoyed teasing her to tears and kiss her tears away .He had no chance to be amused over her tantrums and to fetch the moon and throw it at her tiny feet.. I would have suffocated her in a mount of diamonds and emeralds and would cry in joy seeing her throwing those carbon stones over that pond over there watching those waves rippling around them her little hands clapping wildly in joy .He would be waiting for her to return from the school with her small back saddled by the school bag her tiny face tired and sleepy, yet running to embrace him cooying “APPA”,those murmurs echoing sweetly in his ears .
Memories are short but yet they have a dirty habit of rearing their heads up once in a while at short notice and ushering in that throbbing little ache which sometimes is agonizingly PLEASANTFUL at the same time a wild elation of SADNESS giving solace to the mind. Yet how could I have killed my child ?

DIRTY HARRY

Oh readers of kannanwrites,
The seven year itch has begun,but the only problem that has become an intense problem pestering me is that I have no more any stuff left in me to share with you all..I FEEL TOTALLY EMPTY and have exhausted all the so called interesting characters or events that may interest you or me.To put it in a nut shell I AM FINISHED FOR EVER.
I am in the the Ganguli state of mind .I want to play but I feel miserable at the crease.But if I don’t play I am doubly miserable.So the writing is on the wall whether to quit now when I have been written off or to summon all my left over energies in one last effort heave and play one last glorious innings and then announce retirement once for all .
But I don’t have an iota of energy left .Words have deserted me ,mother English have no need of me and here I am left high and dry in the middle of the stage bone naked as some body had recently written .It is at times like this that I crave for my old friend or rather foe one Mr.Dirty Harry.Only------- if only if he was or is with me he would have never allowed me to be in my present mood .NO, how ever much I despise him and distance him he would be ready with a solution to any of my problems and the problem will be turned to or tranformed to a riddle which could be solved by any kid .So brilliant was he at rooting out some body else’s problem that instead of gratitude he would be kicked out as an intruder and considered a dreaded enemy and will make a fool of himself,such was his gift or rather talent .So I always keep him at a distance,just because I know that I may need him at any given crisis of my life .,but inturn will kick him once that crisis is averted .
I don’t remember when I met him first since he was always at my side in my childhood and thereafter always advising me as to how to do or not to do how to be good or bad in short he was living my life and not allowing me to live on my own,hence my anger and envy and how ever much I avoided him he reattaches to me like a gum and never felt any shame like a pet dog .Inspite of his brilliance in logic and perfect reasoning he was mean , crooked and add to that clever and sometimes he disgusted me with his clowning which I know was a mask for getting things done his way and his selfishness was his forte.What more do you want in a perfect human being .But he liked me and will risk his life for me-----what a shame .
Since I have always had that nasty habit of studying certain varieties or rather species of abnormal I mean interesting minds I at times dived deep in to him which was possible only when he was drunk or pretended to be drunk that I came to know of the other side of or blacker side of this great personality.In between gulps of gin that he was fond of he used to confide in me(I am a great listener) how he secretly rejoices in a mourning even those who are near and dear to him even though he felt ahamed after that ,how much dislike he experienced on hearing that his closest friend,s son has secured a high rank or got a good job or his daughter was about to be married ,infact anything good happening to some body else near or far ..He even went to the extent of defining the love of parents being a big farce a myth the society created .He was slightly disappointed on hearing that his friend had survived an accident. All these thoughts he confessed was fleeting and reassorted quickly and he did his best to help these people in their misery or celebrated their victories .
What ever said and done though I felt envy in his brilliance and the proper and meticulous advice that he dolled out to people in distress and the emotionless frank usually brutal analysis and criticism(most of them being absolutely correct though we cannot admit it) I am forced to admit that he never meant any harm but tried only to help others though it usually misfired and he was crucified as being cruel to the core .
When my wife met this friend of mine her comments later was an eye opener”This fellow could never enjoy his life nor make others enjoyable,so bury him lest he hurts others by his quest for perfection .My son a jupiterian suggested “throw him to the vultures”.
Though I fully agreed with their judgements ,deep in my mind I felt pity for him since nobody except me had pierced his mask and knew his tender insecure and loving personality brutally burnt by the merciless society,kith and kin , making him weave layers of protective armour and projecting a different SELF to survive .
Still I loathe him and keep him at a distance .Occassionally when he gets out of my control even I get the urge to destroy him once for ever BUT HOW CAN I DESTROY MY SHADOW WITHOUT TRUE KNOWLEDGE .