DIRTY HARRY

Oh readers of kannanwrites,
The seven year itch has begun,but the only problem that has become an intense problem pestering me is that I have no more any stuff left in me to share with you all..I FEEL TOTALLY EMPTY and have exhausted all the so called interesting characters or events that may interest you or me.To put it in a nut shell I AM FINISHED FOR EVER.
I am in the the Ganguli state of mind .I want to play but I feel miserable at the crease.But if I don’t play I am doubly miserable.So the writing is on the wall whether to quit now when I have been written off or to summon all my left over energies in one last effort heave and play one last glorious innings and then announce retirement once for all .
But I don’t have an iota of energy left .Words have deserted me ,mother English have no need of me and here I am left high and dry in the middle of the stage bone naked as some body had recently written .It is at times like this that I crave for my old friend or rather foe one Mr.Dirty Harry.Only------- if only if he was or is with me he would have never allowed me to be in my present mood .NO, how ever much I despise him and distance him he would be ready with a solution to any of my problems and the problem will be turned to or tranformed to a riddle which could be solved by any kid .So brilliant was he at rooting out some body else’s problem that instead of gratitude he would be kicked out as an intruder and considered a dreaded enemy and will make a fool of himself,such was his gift or rather talent .So I always keep him at a distance,just because I know that I may need him at any given crisis of my life .,but inturn will kick him once that crisis is averted .
I don’t remember when I met him first since he was always at my side in my childhood and thereafter always advising me as to how to do or not to do how to be good or bad in short he was living my life and not allowing me to live on my own,hence my anger and envy and how ever much I avoided him he reattaches to me like a gum and never felt any shame like a pet dog .Inspite of his brilliance in logic and perfect reasoning he was mean , crooked and add to that clever and sometimes he disgusted me with his clowning which I know was a mask for getting things done his way and his selfishness was his forte.What more do you want in a perfect human being .But he liked me and will risk his life for me-----what a shame .
Since I have always had that nasty habit of studying certain varieties or rather species of abnormal I mean interesting minds I at times dived deep in to him which was possible only when he was drunk or pretended to be drunk that I came to know of the other side of or blacker side of this great personality.In between gulps of gin that he was fond of he used to confide in me(I am a great listener) how he secretly rejoices in a mourning even those who are near and dear to him even though he felt ahamed after that ,how much dislike he experienced on hearing that his closest friend,s son has secured a high rank or got a good job or his daughter was about to be married ,infact anything good happening to some body else near or far ..He even went to the extent of defining the love of parents being a big farce a myth the society created .He was slightly disappointed on hearing that his friend had survived an accident. All these thoughts he confessed was fleeting and reassorted quickly and he did his best to help these people in their misery or celebrated their victories .
What ever said and done though I felt envy in his brilliance and the proper and meticulous advice that he dolled out to people in distress and the emotionless frank usually brutal analysis and criticism(most of them being absolutely correct though we cannot admit it) I am forced to admit that he never meant any harm but tried only to help others though it usually misfired and he was crucified as being cruel to the core .
When my wife met this friend of mine her comments later was an eye opener”This fellow could never enjoy his life nor make others enjoyable,so bury him lest he hurts others by his quest for perfection .My son a jupiterian suggested “throw him to the vultures”.
Though I fully agreed with their judgements ,deep in my mind I felt pity for him since nobody except me had pierced his mask and knew his tender insecure and loving personality brutally burnt by the merciless society,kith and kin , making him weave layers of protective armour and projecting a different SELF to survive .
Still I loathe him and keep him at a distance .Occassionally when he gets out of my control even I get the urge to destroy him once for ever BUT HOW CAN I DESTROY MY SHADOW WITHOUT TRUE KNOWLEDGE .