RANDOM THOUGHTS ON RETIREMENT

I am a middle aged ? male young Caucasian of Indian origin residing in a semi urban city rather a few meters , say few furlongs near to the once famous Neela nadhi at present called Bharatha puzha about 35 kms south of Malampuzha dam in DOGS OWN LAND created by PARASURAMA THE GREAT, when in his atrocious mood , at present under the control of KARL MARX THE GREAT.,and am aged 55 as per my S S L C book, I mean legally and 53.5 yrs as per my jataka [the old man wanted to get rid of me to school earlier,].As for my service details I am a practicing ophthalmologist for the last 28 yrs[I dread to think of the no of eyes lost to humanity in such a short time] and at present an administrator in govt service in the rank of a deputy director of health services[lo the predicament of Keralite’s health].Of course married and single,my eldest son is also married though a computer professional outsourcing dollars from ISRAEL .The younger one is a speech pathologist apprentice and yet to suffer from bondage .To come to the point I am on the verge of RETIREMENT I mean from service, and about to or already suffering from male menopausal syndrome .The BIG question haunting me for the last few months is WHAT NEXT ?
All my prime years was lost in the maddening race for MONEY ,STATUS , MAKING of the FAMILY and for that the monotony of milking patients after patients .But in the end what did I gain? I lost in all these three grounds and more at the family level .What did I lose? “ THE LIFE”,the utter JOY of BEING .
Okay ,let the byegones be immersed in the bharathapuzha.Can I have a second life , a rebirth of some sorts . and start LIVING .
Since I am a virgo let me systematically analyse or ponder .What are the things you like or enjoy doing or by not doing. what are the things which you hate, but at present doing for some one else sake? Do you enjoy your work? What do you mean by the term enjoying life or what is missing in your life that you want to rekindle? Are you bothered about the lost friendships ,relationships or the social obligations you forgot .Did at any point of time you fought any cause how ever trivial it may be?Have you ever been free of FEAR at anytime .In short when was the last time you felt completely INDEPENDENT?Can you think of anytime when you sang from your heart or laughed generously with your friends or wife or children?Any vacations you remember?
If only I can find an answer to these questions can I hope for a new birth so to say.
My mind is crammed up with so many weird thoughts and ideas about a latent rebirth or remodeling that I am going to place it in record rather in a random fashion lest I forget and arrange it in a more sensible way at a later date for practise later on.
Let me begin with what ever I like or relish doing which I had conveniently forgotten for the last 25 yrs out of compulsion or lack of time what ever might be the excuse.

1.I like reading what ever trash I get; fast fiction ,philosophy, spiritual nonsense to science fiction from Agatha Christy to Camus even Vedanta cannot scare me.

2.Listening to music not bothered about lyrics.

3.Enjoy spiritual discourses, debates on current affaires,quizzing.

4.watching all channels in cable except cartoon mostly sports,news,market movements and movements in fashion channels.love moovies

5.Enjoy learning.this topic needs more analysis!

6.I love serious and petty talks with persons with same frequency.

7.playing light games like table tennis.

8.Visiting places,not for sight seeing ,but for a feel of different people and places ,mostly to be away from present set up.Also the journey in a train excites me a lot but for the ban in smoking[ which I LOATHE] but it cannot get rid of me

9.wish to spend long time in beeches silently drinking in the feel of the majesty of the never ending expanse of moving water masses especially if the sun is close by to it lending its array of colours ,also gazing at the stars and clouds in my balcony with nobody around.

10.Spending time with a selected group of relatives who care for me.

11.To be awake at night and sleep lightly in the day.

12.Enjoy silly talk with my sons and bahurani.

13.love to fight with my wife just to enjoy the reunion which is short lived but yet worth the effort.

14.love to write trash , a late discovery ,with disastrous results.

15.love to find real friends or worthy foes ,both eluding me from time immemorial .

16.To find the real ME .Needs more introspection and may end up as a full time job.A little scary even to start thinking about me –chances of endind up
as a loony or enjoying the everlasting BLISS ,OR IS BOTH THE SAME?

17.Luv to form a friendship with my wife-a mirage?.should give it a try-a long term investment-so says KARVY consuts in CNBC.

18.love to be a teacher - a life long dream but is a possibility.

19.To do something worth while for the society –a project I can do in the tribal area of AGALY-A friend has already approached me with an offer which is under active consideration.

20.To enter in to the field of counseling.It will cater to my interest in learning and a career option to disengage from ophthalmic practice for a change

Things which I loathe but cannot refrain from

1.Procrastination-a long time conditioned reflex which effectively blocks all the 20 points noted above.am an ardent master of the same.

2.To make money .but always enjoy counting currencies and just the feel of it sends my heart soaring –have to avoid the bourses and watching NDTV PROFIT channel-but for that I will have to call my Asianet operator to disconnect.-a vain proposition

3.To put an end to being too critical of my loved ones.they loathe my sarcasm.-a genetic error if corrected may lead to an identity crisis-not practical in this age or janma to be point blank

4.All arranged marriages except mine off course.BEING and NOT BEING is intolerable to both of us to be precise-which I consider as the ultimate in a civilized society.

5.crying children and sulking sons,working under ignorant fools

6.poetry , hypochondriacs ,people who snore while I am talking seriously.

7.policemen,politicians,insurance agents,advocates,media

8.cleanliness

9. dancing,Sachin Tendulkar fans,Dhal makers


to be continued